This is written from my perspective as a sub, but it also applies when I'm taking on a more dominant role as well.
Safety
Safewords
I play with universal green/yellow/red safewords.
Green for everything is okay, lets continue with the scene.
Yellow means something is wrong, lets evaluate and fix whatever's wrong.
Red is for when the scene needs to stop immediately.
Breathplay
In general, I don't like to do heavy breathplay when I'm doing a one-on-one scene with someone. My policy is "one is none and two is one", meaning that there should always be at least one other person in close proximity to the two of us in case something goes wrong.
How I’m Wired
In short: coercion over punishment, psychological over physical, and a distinction between the role I’m playing versus me. Keep my mind busy.
Pain
I am not a masochist. The threat of pain is generally more engaging for me than actual pain. I prefer to ramp up to a moderate level and plateau there, rather than escalating to a 10. It works best as a coercive tool rather than something to punish me with. I would much rather cry from being frustrated that a spanking won’t stop instead of the intensity.
Psychological vs. Physical Sensations
Generally speaking I enjoy psychological experiences. Stuff that keeps my mind engaged, rather than having to focus on physical feelings. If I have nothing to focus on, my mind tends to wander and I wind up falling out of the headspace. Rules to follow are a great grounding mechanism, and tasks to complete (such as counting) are good for recentering.
My Role
A wise man once told me that it’s humiliation of the role, not the person. I’ve always tried to take that to heart, going into a scene with an eye for playing a character. Most of the time that happens in my head, but I want to try and be more intentional about it. I’ll be doing what I can to put myself in that headspace before a scene, and informing my play partner (instead of letting them fill in the gaps while we’re playing). Taking a few moments to do this before a scene, and engaging with that role (instead of me) will create a much richer experience.
Less is More
Bondage and gear maximalism is always welcome, but not always ideal. There’s a certain level of vulnerability I get when the restraints offer me just a little bit of freedom. Enough to think I might have a chance, but ultimately fruitless. Leather restraints, medical restraints, and chains are favored for these kinds of experiences, both for practical and aesthetic purposes.
The same concept can be applied to outfits; minimally covering clothing can put me in a deeper headspace than straight up nudity. The false sense of modesty can increase my feeling of vulnerability, especially as clothing is removed. This is fairly all-encompassing. The anticipation of additional exposure, the contrast of being exposed versus someone who isn't, and the psychology of the partial nudity are all equally fulfilling.
Punishments
I am not generally wired towards misbehaving; I lack the urge to “brat out”. A scene for me works best when I start from a zero point and earn privileges back based on good behavior. For example being allowed to check my phone, or use furniture, or await my next assignment in a more comfortable manner.
Occasional maintenance punishments can also be administered to keep me in the headspace. As with the pain section above, milder and longer is preferred over short and intense.
Personas
I’m working to establish a few personas I can put on for a given scene. These are generally intended to help me get into and maintain a headspace. If you'd like to meet one of them, please let me know :)
Knox
A hot-headed junior-varsity college wrestler with something to prove. He’s competitive to a fault, eager to please, and has a bad habit of getting in over his head. He’s easy to spot: purple singlet, yellow wrestling shoes.
The Captive Scout
Clad in nothing but a black leather loincloth and matching boots, the captive is going to be hard to break. Determined to serve his betters with stoic fortitude, he rarely speaks unless spoken to. Breaking this one will be a difficult, but worthwhile experience.