Mind Map

Blogging feels weirdly antiquated now. Online kink, at least for me, has become intwined in Twitter, Tumblr Bdsmlr, Instagram, and Fetlife. Even Telegram and its slow resolution of groups and channels feels like a more sufficient, modern platform than a self-hosted WordPress blog. Alas, having this platform may prove to be timely, as the few companies controlling the internet continue to crack down on “sexual content”.

Holy shit I’m so tired of talking about that though. Let’s talk about something more exciting. Like this mind map of my kinks and fetishes (PDF). One of the traps I keep falling into is trying to figure out how best to curate what all it is I like exactly. I’ve tried blog posts, spreadsheets, and reblogging stuff I liked on Tumblr. Those sort of worked, but only got me part of the way there. The mind map though gets about 95% of what I’m trying to say across, and that’s good enough for me.

One of the reasons this works is that it forces me to break out “what I’m into” into some basic categories, mental sock drawers for which kink tickles what part of my brain. At the core of the mind map is Ceding Control: willingly exchanging power with someone else in a given scene. Or series of scenes. Or a weekend. This is kinda the umbrella under which everything falls for me.

The first major sub-node is Submission, in blue. Submission to someone else’s whims, submission to bondage, or to having my orgasms and lack thereof controlled. This is the most “physical” of the four major nodes off of ceding control, as it encompasses not only physical restraint, but control over my physical being, or exposure to the Dom’s.

My favorite sub node though has to be Forced Humiliation. Absolutely nothing gets my creative juices flowing like coming up with ideas for this section. It feels somewhat blasé to say that these ideas are appealing because they’re taboo, but they are. I mean I’m a fully grown, 30 year old adult and the idea of having to ask someone for permission to use the restroom? Fuck. Yes.

Unfortunately, a good portion of these ideas aren’t so easy to actually follow through on. Some of them require assets that I don’t have or have the ability to create, and others are just time consuming or logistically complicated (ask me how often I remember to check a sub friend’s location). At the very least, there’s some excellent material for the spank bank here, or a future creative writing enterprise.

Being coerced into doing something (CONSENSUALLY) is hot, so coercion gets its own section as well. It’s not a frequently tickled stimulus of mine (surprise surprise, I looooooove sucking dick), but when the stars align it creates a beautiful scene. This is one section where the mind map falls short though. Several items on this node come with some pretty substantial and important caveats, and I can’t find a way to explain them without detracting from the usability.

Strapping on some football gear or sliding into a singlet for a bondage scene is pretty much de rigueur for me. It’s hot and spandex is flattering on me. If I can take it a step further with a play partner, and both of us can temporarily suspend our sense of disbelief, role play adds a whole new element. Yes, this also leans heavily on playing with taboo ideas, but why the fuck not. The Removal of Autonomy idea needs some particularly in-depth explanation (hey, I know, you should write a blog post about it!).

So I’ve explained things above, but mostly written with myself as the sub. This isn’t just stuff I want done to me though, it’s stuff I like doing to other people. The mind map can be though of as an explicit whitelist (it’s 2019, let’s use a potentially less offensive term liiiiiike….) alrightlist. E.g. with a few noted caveats, everything up there is fair game for me. If it’s not listed, it’s not on the blocklist, but we can talk about it. The mind map isn’t the be-all and end-all of scene negotiation, it’s just one of the better tools I’ve found for setting expectations. It’s a conversation starter.

This has of course been a great tool for talking with potential play dates as well. It stimulates the creativity to get a copy of the mind map back with their likes and dislikes colored over, or their own additions penciled in. Again though, one of the downsides is that interaction options are limited. At some point I might go through and expand it into a fancy web page with descriptions of each node and pictures to demonstrate what the hell I’m talking about.

For those who are going to ask, the mind map is generated entirely with the stupendous Mind Node 6 for iPad.

Here’s the mind map in text format, if you’re not in the mood or able to use a PDF.

Submission

Positions

  • Kneeling
  • Hands On Head
  • Hands Behind Back
  • Standing at Attention
  • Forced Vulnerability
  • Bent Over Something

Worship

  • Muscles
  • Nipples
  • Body
  • Feet
  • Boots/Shoes
  • Leather
  • Uniforms
  • Jocks
  • Underwear
  • Socks
  • Fingers

Smells

  • Sneakers
  • Boots
  • Jockstraps
  • Cups
  • Piss

Captivity

  • Uniforms
  • Forced Workouts
    • Treadmills
  • Inspections/Searches
    • Room/Cell
    • Body
    • Clothing
  • Kidnapping
  • Interrogation
  • Bondage
    • Predicament Bondage
    • Long-Term Restraint
    • Sensory Deprivation
      • White Noise
      • VR Headsets
    • Cages/Cells
    • Minimal Restraints
      • Chained To Something
        • By Ankle
        • By Neck
      • Nose Vise
      • Handcuffed
      • Legcuffed
      • Leash
      • Zip ties
      • Locked In a Hood/Muzzle
    • Restrained To Something
  • Molestation/Groping
    • By The Dom
    • By Others
  • Strip Searches
  • Casting
  • Training
    • In A Foreign Language

Sexual Control

  • Orgasm Restrictions/Rules
    • Chastity
    • Asking Permission
    • Reporting Orgasms
    • Orgasm Schedule
    • Orgasm Quota
    • Milking
      • Ruined Orgasms
      • Orgasm Challenges Ex: A specific number of orgasms in a set amount of time
    • Must Be By Someone Else
      • A woman
    • Self-Facials
    • Mutual j/o
    • Toys
      • Fleshlight
      • Vibrator
    • Supervised Masturbation
  • Reporting Fantisies
  • Blowjobs
    • Blowing a (clean) Strapon
    • Blowing The Dom
    • Blowing Another Sub
    • Facials
      • Forced to Wear
    • Swallowing
      • With Food
  • Making Out
    • With Another Sub
    • With The Dom
  • Having Sex
    • With The Dom
    • With Another Sub
    • With A Toy
    • Forced Bi

Service

  • Chores
  • Cooking
  • Sexual Service
  • Massages
  • Showers
    • Washing Someone
      • Another Sub
      • The Dom
    • Getting Washed
    • Hosed Down Outside

Forced Humiliation

Behavior Modification

  • Restrictions/Rules
    • Bathroom Use
      • Diapers
      • Pissing Myself
      • Having to Ask Permission
    • Eye Contact
    • Speech
      • Honorifics
      • Silence
      • Non-Verbal Only
    • Location
      • Confinement
        • A Corner
        • A Room
        • House Arrest
        • Geographic Area
        • Cages
      • Reporting/Monitoring
        • Remote Monitoring
          • Phone
          • Ankle Monitor
          • Webcam
        • Location Reporting
          • Asking Permission to Travel
          • Randomly Ordered to Report
          • Scheduled Check In
    • Other
      • Loss of Cell Phone Access
      • Having Keys/Phone/Wallet Taken Away
      • Furniture Restrictions
      • Eating Out Of Bowls
      • Strict Scheduling
      • Daily Dresscode
      • Needing Permission to Resist or Fight Back
  • Persona
    • Jock
    • Skater
    • Punk
      • Street
      • Motocross
    • Robot/Drone
    • Animal
      • Pup
      • Pony
    • Name Changes
      • A Number
      • A Submissive Term
      • Pet Names
    • Leatherboy
    • Cowboy/Redneck

Water sports

  • Drinking Piss
  • Being Pissed On
  • Pissing Myself

Appearance Control

  • Clothing Either assigned or picked for me
    • Uniforms
      • Sports
        • Karate
        • Wrestling
        • Sauna Suit
        • Football
        • Soccer
        • Cheerleader
        • Speedo
        • Wetsuit
        • Baseball
        • Motocross
        • Motorcycle
      • Military
      • Police
      • Preppy
    • Revealing Outfits
      • Women’s Clothing
        • Lingerie
        • Dresses
        • Bras
        • Panties
        • Skirts
      • Shorts
      • Jockstraps
      • Loincloths
      • Swimwear
        • Briefs
        • Trunks
        • Jammers
      • Spandex
        • Singlets
        • Bodysuits
        • Shirts
        • Tights
      • Loungewear
    • Costumes
      • Native Look
      • Leatherboy
      • Chav
      • Skinhead
      • Superhero
        • Spider-Man
        • Robin
      • Cross dressing
    • Locked On/In
      • Boots
      • Sneakers
      • Football Gear
      • Wetsuits
      • Jumpsuits
      • Subtle Locks
      • Fur suits
      • Dry suits
      • Restraints Outside of A Scene
        • Collars
        • Cuffs
          • Ankle
          • Wrist
        • Mitts
          • Hand
          • Foot
        • Cockrings
        • Ball Stretchers
    • Gloves
    • Underwear
      • Briefs
      • Boxer Briefs
      • Jockstraps
      • No Underwear
      • Tightly Whities
    • Footwear
      • Boots
      • Sneakers
      • Moccasins
      • Sandals
      • Flipflops
      • Barefoot
      • Boxing Boots
      • Wrestling Shoes
      • Socks
        • Tall
        • Ankle
        • No-show
    • Uncomfortable/Unwieldy
      • Sports Gear
        • Wrestling Headgear
        • Pads
        • Boxing Gloves
        • Jockstrap + Cup
      • Pinprick
        • Bra
        • Jockstrap
      • Excessively Warm Gear
      • Casting
      • MX/Motocross Boots
      • Masks
        • Gas Mask
        • Elevation Training Masks
        • Ski masks
      • Motorcycle Gear
      • Used Clothes
        • Sweaty
        • Cumrags
  • Haircuts
    • Mohawk
    • Shaved
    • Dyed
  • Shaving
  • Marking
    • Bite Marks
    • Scratch Marks
    • Temporary Tattoos

Exhibitionsim

  • Strip Tease
  • Jerking Off
  • Sex with another sub
    • Blowjob
    • Topping
  • Modeling
  • Put on Display
    • Naked
    • Bound
    • In a Forced Position
  • CMNM

Coercion

Threats

  • Blackmail
  • Physical Harm
    • Gun Play —> FAKE <— Guns will be more than enough!
    • Breath Control
      • Bagging
      • Hanging
      • Rebreather Bags
      • Bubbler
  • Sexual
    • Cuckolding
    • Getting Fucked
      • With Toys
      • By The Dom
      • By Others
  • Tickling
  • Being Knocked Out
  • Watersports

Surrendering

  • Clothing
  • Car Keys, Phone, Wallet
  • Shoes
  • Myself

Light Pain

  • Flogging
  • Spanking
    • Paddling
    • Caning
  • Nipple Clamps
  • Hair Pulling
  • Face Slapping
  • CBT
  • Stress Positions
  • Bastinado
  • Electro
    • Shock Collars
    • Cock + Balls
  • Biting
  • Overpowering
  • Knife Play

Rewards

  • Orgasms
  • Escape Challenges
  • Aftercare

Games

  • Poker
    • Strip Poker
    • Bondage Poker
  • Truth or Dare
  • Spyfall
  • Werewolf/Mafia With consequences
  • Drawing Straws

Overpowering

  • Wrestling
    • Choked Out
    • Pins

Role play

Cop x Prisoner

Wrestler x Wrestler

Wrestler x Football Player

Dumb Jock

Karate

POW

Animal

  • Pup
  • Pony

Removal Of Autonomy

Knight x Squire


Post IML

IML has come and gone. The things I was worried about with Texas Boy never materialized. Instead, a whole host of other little things popped up instead. Nothing world-shattering mind you, just the usual growing pains that any relationship goes through.

I have social anxiety. I hate being in environments where I don’t know anyone. It sucks and it makes me want to scream. Texas Boy, on the other hand, does not have social anxiety (or he can keep his in check). This works for me because Texas Boy can lure people over with how cute he is and I don’t have to be the one to awkwardly start up a conversation. Teamwork!

Texas Boy also didn’t seem overwhelmed at all. We were both worried about it, but aside from a few rooms that were dangerously crowded, he was a frickin’ moth to a flame. For some reason or another, my allergies decided to riot on Sunday night, so I stayed in the room and watched Game of Thrones while he ran off to some party. It must have been around 1 AM when he finally decided to waltz back in and grace me with his presence.

Friction. It happened. And not the kind you’d think. Honestly, it was really just a basic miscommunication on both our parts. Monday night was our last night at IML and I was still feeling under the weather. Well, Texas Boy had invited an adorable puppy to spend the night with us (after they’d spent basically the entire evening wrapped together…), and hadn’t checked if I was cool with him staying first.

Ultimately, it worked out. We both acknowledged that we’d failed to communicate the situation and how we felt about it. It all worked out in the end though. Puppy spent the night, he and Texas Boy were adorable together and everyone had a good time. As much as I would have preferred it to be just us on our last night, I’m happy with the way things went.

Aside from that, IML was a lot of fun. I feel like it’s typically more oriented towards socializing than playing, but you can still have fun if you know where to look. In my case, I got to chain up two boys and spend a few hours in a straitjacket with a well-used jock strapped over my face (every boy’s dream!)

All in all, good weekend, lotsa fun. Texas Boy is ALREADY making noise about coming back to Chicago for MIR. I have no idea how I’m gonna keep up with him…

International Mister Anxiety

This time next week I’ll be in Chicago for IML. I have an interesting relationship with IML: After fantasizing about it for years I finally buckled down and decided to go in 2014. Life Happened™, punched me in the dick, and tried to ruin the experience for me. Luckily I was able to lean on a few very good friends and wound up having a really, really good time.

Things are unfolding a little differently this year. Texas Boy and I have been dating long-distance for a while now and we’re both fairly comfortable with whatever the fuck you want to call our arrangement. We haven’t seen each other since February though, so I’m afraid that we’re gonna be torn between “I wanna spend every waking moment attached to you” and “I want to go and explore some stuff. Bye!”

The big ‘umbrella’ fear for me is that TB doesn’t have nearly as much experience as I do with big events like these. Between the all the new people he wants to meet and the crowds and the fact that he’s ‘fresh meat’, I feel like the entire weekend might be overwhelming in general. Luckily, we’re not going in completely blind and I (think I) know him well enough to understand what situations might make him uncomfortable. We’ve also got a hotel room to ourselves, which I think will help us decompress as well.

ON THE OTHER HAND, TB is put together a lot better than I am. He does a better job of socializing (IE: he doesn’t have a resting bitch face like I do) and he’s just altogether smarter and more logical than me. Seriously, he’s talked me down from more than a few anxiety attacks over the last year. One time he texted me that he’d been in an accident and that he was uninjured. For most people, I’d have blown their phone the fuck up trying to get in touch. TB knows his stuff though, so I just texted back for him to call me when he could and put it out of my mind until later.

So yeah. I’m at a weird point where I’m not-freaking-out-but-a-little-closer-to-that-point-than-I-like-being. The critical thing is that TB and I keep talking and communicating. If we keep doing that, IML will almost certainly go off without a hitch. If nothing else, it’ll be really awesome to hang out with all our friends, old and new alike.

“What the fuck OJ, this isn’t kinky at all!”
I know! But this relationship stuff is important and it might help someone else. Besides, all my kinky shit is on Tumblr and Twitter these days.

OJ’s basic guide to maintaining your online privacy

The vast majority of kinky people know how to keep their kink and normal selves separate, but on the off chance that someone doesn’t know about these precautions, I decided to write this up anyway. Here are five basic things you can do if you’re interested in preserving your privacy:

Continue reading “OJ’s basic guide to maintaining your online privacy”

Musings

I’ve got a bunch of thoughts running around in my head that aren’t well thought out enough for their own posts. As always, these are my thoughts and I’m not positioning myself as anyone with anything more than my own personal take on things.

  1. On switching – So a lot of newer folks on Recon seem to either swing 100% active or 100% passive. I’m not saying that’s bad and that they should stop, but I sincerely hope that people keep an open mind. In my (still somewhat limited) experience, kinksters tend to mellow out and skew more 50/50. This injects a LOT of good energy into the scene.
    • Subs: Know what they do and don’t like, what is or isn’t painful etc etc. That knowledge can be tremendously useful, especially when they play with less experienced folks. The first few times I played, I subbed to guys who identified as more submissive
    • Doms: Personally, knowing that someone who’s Dominant has had experience as a sub puts me more at ease. They have a better idea of what might and might not work.

    But to summarize: New folks, don’t feel like you need to pick a Dom or sub role and stick with it forever

  2. On Puppy Play – I’ve made no secret of the fact that I don’t identify with the pup scene anymore (or maybe I have. Either way, surprise!). I read people’s accounts of going to moshes or pupping out at events and I just don’t feel like that appeals to me. I’d chalk it up to social anxiety and a lack of experience with that sort of environment, but I’ve tried. I gave moshing a hell of a chance at MAL and I just hated it. I’ve heard that puppy play started off as a form of punishment [citation needed] and it’s definitely an aspect that I enjoy. I don’t want to be a good boy, I don’t want to get scritches, I don’t want to play fetch.I want to be treated like an animal.
  3. On Dating – I’m seeing someone. I haven’t made a big deal about it because, well, I don’t really want to. Screaming to the world about how deeply we’re in love or posting a billion pictures of us on Twitter doesn’t seem right. I dunno, maybe I’m just maturing.

    I visited him last week and we had some good fun.

  4. On Anxiety – It’s been kicking my ass hardcore for the last 18 months or so. I’m only just now starting to feel like I’m back to the point where I can play again. Scary shit. I use some of these techniques as coping mechanisms. Most importantly, I don’t worry about the stigma (it never really occurred to me to worry about it). Talk to your close friends and loved ones.