I have flown into O’Hare International Airport twice in the last six months, both times into terminal 5. Both times left me feeling apoplectic to levels that I found alarming. I am left to conclude that O’Hare International Airport’s Terminal 5 is considered harmful, and should be avoided.
Taxi Town
Welcome to the Windy City of Chicago, Illinois. We’re excited for you to experience Cloud Gate The Bean! Be sure to go to the top of the Willis Sears tower; it’s a truly remarkable experience. Chicago! It’s an incredible metropolis and the jewel of the Midwest.
Oh, you landed at O’Hare? Please enjoy this complimentary hour-long tour of our taxi and runways. Why yes, we WILL in fact be arbitrarily parking your plane in the middle of goddamned nowhere for no discernible reason, and you’d better keep your fucking ass in that seat the entire time. Oh, good news! We found a gate for your plane. It’s on the other side of the airport from you are now, despite being within eyeshot. Fuck you, that’s why.
Terminally Terrible
The sole, single redeeming part of Terminal 5 is the new extension; a beautiful wide open space that feels like the old TWA terminal at JFK in New York. It is absolutely gorgeous, and yes, you’ll get to see every square inch of it because you deplaned at M33. Hope you brought your walking shoes; the exit to baggage claim is 633 yards (I counted). Actually, just kidding, that exit is closed for renovations. You actually need to walk ~400 more yards to the only exit. That’s right, there’s a hundred fucking football fields between the gate and the exit to baggage claim. I got more yards in on that walk than the Bears in the '25 season. There’s some moving walkways, of course, it would be insane if there weren’t, but they’re 👏 going 👏 the 👏 wrong 👏 way. Why. Just why. No, seriously. Please someone explain this to me.
Congratulations, you made it to baggage claim, or as we like to call it, the Thunderdome! That’s right, we dumped the luggage for 16 flights into one carousel as a prank. Will you find your bag? Oh definitely, but you’ll have to shove your way through a gaggle of Chicagoans jockeying for their bags from Disney.
Now that you’ve got your bags, the real fun begins.
Ride The Lightning
Oh you wanted to actually go TO Chicago for your trip? Like, downtown? Hey, Tony, get a load of mister downtown over here. Fuckin’ asshole thinks he can just get an Uber or some shit and get outta here. Lissen here, pal. It don’t work like that here. You wanna go downtown, you gotta go through Terminal 2. We don’t fuck with transportation in these parts. You wanna Uber? Or take a train? I don’t give a fuck, you gotta go to Terminal 2. How do you get to terminal 2 from here? Fuck I look like to ya, some kinda guy who knows about the Airport Transit System (ATS) automated people mover, inconveniently “accessible” just above baggage claim?
Well you’re in luck, pal, because it’s 2123 on a Thursday evening, and every other a-hole’s landing at the same time. We’re gonna make sure that ATS is runnin’ reeeeeeeal expeditiously. Like, every 15 minutes or so. Better hurry up and crowd onto this undersized platform we built here; the next train is comin’ in. Aaaaaaaand it’s going out of service; because that’s just how we do things here at O’Hare Terminal 5: Badly and on purpose.
Flying Out?
The good(??????????) news is that if you're flying OUT of terminal 5, there's a lot less suck to deal with. You just have to push your way through the teeming masses of international travelers with so, so many bags, and so, so little space to move around. At least the TSA line feels like you're trapped in a small, windowless tunnel if you don't have precheck. Modernization? Not this penny-pinching TSA checkpoint. There's barely enough room to move, aaaaaaaand this lane is suddenly closed for no goddamned reason. You're now just one complimentary freedom genital touch away from your flight, departing out of gate...... M40?. lol. lmao. 🖕