Fifty fifty

The flogger feels heavy in my hand. Almost too heavy. The trussed pup in front of me is relaxed, he knows how to handle this. I sneak a glance at Loki standing safely outside my erratic reach and He nods silently. I pull my arm up, feeling the leather tendrils drape delicately over my back before I swing it up and down.


Over the last few months I've been almost completely submissive, an experience I didn't expect to enjoy as much as I did. At SELF in June, the idea of being collared was foreign and strange. Now I can't imagine life without it. I've been at the mercy of Loki, Master Dan and countless others. I've carried luggage, opened doors, fetched drinks and tried to be the best letherboy/pup possible.

On the opposite side of that coin, I've come to enjoy the brief moments where I've been the top. Assisting Loki in a scene, holding the violet wand *wink* for someone who needs to grab a water or getting a sub out of the restraints. Two of the three scenes I had with a friend a few months ago were me edging him. Nothing too intense, just occasional, brief moments of toppishness.

I recently took a major step and updated my Recon profile to read 50/50 active/passive. A switch. I expressed my interest in domination with Loki, who did nothing but encourage me to get into it more. And not by flipping a coin to see who tops first.

Couple of problems with this though:

1. I'm too nice. I don't like upsetting people, making people angry or even giving them a single negative thought towards me. This is a difficult hurdle to face, even in a scene where these feelings won't last past the aftercare.

2. I'm not a sadist either. People screaming or crying out in pain scare the ever-loving crap out of me. It was a bit unsettling for me the first night SELF to watch Master Dan beat His husband while surrounded by other people doing the same thing. Even now, it's still hard to focus on my own scene if someone's bellowing elsewhere at a play party.

3. The other big issue, and one related to my first point is that I have trouble getting into the headspace of a top. Sure, an hour or two into the scene I can get right next to their ear and whisper "You're MINE", but getting to that point and breaking the "hi, I wanna tie you up" ice is incredibly difficult.


*WHAP* The flogger lands squarely on the pup's right shoulder blade. He doesn't even flinch. I can't (or won't) deliver even 20% of the abuse he's used to receiving. I'm not enjoying this as much as I should. My form is terrible, I'm worried about wrapping over his shoulder or hitting his kidneys and my arms aren't up to the effort required (note to self: go to the gym more often). On top of all that, I'm just not having very much fun. Loki and everyone else all make it look easy, effortless, the kind of thing they can do at the drop of a hat.

The flogging ended, the pup and I pupped out for a few hours (one of the best make-out sessions I've ever had) and the three of us relaxed in the hot tub for a few hours. Panicked cries of "I'm a top tonight!" at a friend's party later that night ended up with me getting thrown into THEIR hot tub.

In what some may view as "overdoing it", I had a pup over for some play the next afternoon. What was unique about this session is that the pup in question was a complete novice to BDSM and bondage. While he'd been active on Twitter and FetLife, he had been too shy/nervous to go much further than that. We traded IMs and I explained to him that while, yes, I would be happy to tie him up, he shouldn't expect too much. I have no delusions about what I am and am not capable of doing to a sub and I made it clear that he should tender his expectations. This would partly be an experiment to see if I could have fun with a session that didn't consist of mostly the SM from BDSM.

Undeterred, he showed up Sunday afternoon around 15:30 and we got right into it. One of my first acts was to lock a collar on his neck, a simple choker meant for a dog. I told him that while he was wearing it, he belonged to me and that I was Sir.

Being that he was a pup, I slapped him in some knee-pads and fist mitts and roughed around with him for a few minutes before walking him into my room and spread-eagleing him on my bed. I had told him that he wasn't allowed to shoot back on Wednesday, so by this point he was rock hard and primed for edging. Oh I love edging.

Back during WWII, morse code messages were flying back and forth. Each person tapping their transmitter tapped it at a ifferent rate of taps per second or length of individual taps. Each operator's transmission type is called their fist. Similarly, everyone (and I mean *everyone*) has a different way of getting off, their masturbation fist if you will. In my case, slow, soft strokes are the easiest way to get me off whereas someone else may only respond to faster pumping or nipple pinching.

Anyway, new pup's fist was an unknown to me going into this so I had to figure it out as I went along. Unfortunately for him, I was unable to get him off, so the evening was mostly edging for him (so sad, I know). Eventually I untied him and after a few minutes of cuddling/recovery, I broke out the neoprene sleep sack and hood I got at MAL. The sleep sack fit him like a glove and the hood was just the icing on the cake. I tried some very, very light breath play with him and got an incredibly positive response, so that's something I'll have to get better/safer with.

For the final, pice Pièce de résistance, I put him in my karate uniform (ohhhhh yesssss), locked my brown leather restraints on him and tied him to a chair for some more edging. After about half an hour of that, I released him, gave him permission to finish himself off and went to bed shortly after.

So what the hell happened? How did I go from "Tebow's got no game" to having FOUR guys that want me to tie them up? Where did this confidence, these abilities come from? I, personally, have no idea but I'm having fun and so are the subs. There's nowhere to go but up until I reach the Top.


As an addendum, I wanted to make a few comments regarding my activities elsewhere.

I've been on Twitter since the get-go and I cannot restate how completely awesome it is, especially in the wake of Recon killing their site chat. You're missing out if you're not here already.

• In a similar vein, Tumblr is the magical source that feeds all your other blogs their pictures. I set one up myself just a few weeks ago and it's basically supplanted Google Reader in terms of finding sexythings™. Don't knock it 'til you've tried it.

• I've been working on The Fetlist for a few months now, cataloging every fetish-y thing I've done and still want to do. On top of that, it's been a great way to break the ice with new boys who want to tie or get tied. Check out my version or grab a blank copy and fill it out on your own. If there's anything missing, be sure to let me know.